when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
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“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.