her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
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One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Why are bridges so flammable.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China