Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I’m being attacked 😭
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.