‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
thinking about a very short hotdog
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson: