I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
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14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart