The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.