when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
You Might Also Like
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.