The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
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My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.