After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My current situation
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
😲 WTF? 😆
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Yup
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.