me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
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do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
HERE’S MARKY
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.