Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.