Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I only treason on days ending in y
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises