I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Nothing to do, you say?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Always
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.