Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
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If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you鈥檙e out there, I鈥檓 sorry I鈥檝e been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
my doctor just told me I鈥檒l never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 馃槂
“it’s $9”
馃槱
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
馃槂
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven鈥檛 had sex in two years, we鈥檝e decided to name him Jesus
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what鈥檚 up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Honestly, guys. I鈥檝e got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.