Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.