The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that