BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
How is it still this week?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.