*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
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Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
All generalizations are stupid.
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