Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
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Cndnsd Mlk
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
SF is the wild wild west man
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go