My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
You Might Also Like
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus