In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
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My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.