I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
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Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
This is enough internet for the day.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster