“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”