6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
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Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*