My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
every single time