Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.