Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
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My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
😩😩😩
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.