Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
You Might Also Like
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.