*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
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no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Landlord just came in the office and inserted 拢100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but 拢100! Wooo hooo.
All I鈥檓 saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we鈥檙e all French toast.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I SAID: How鈥檚 vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I鈥檝e got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I鈥檒l take one of each slice
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don鈥檛 eat 5 bags of Reese鈥檚 Pumpkins again this year.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
If you need a laugh.. 馃槄
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That鈥檚 sangria.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Bank Teller: Ma鈥檃m, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn鈥檛 mine
Day 2 of my diet
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”