How did we not see this back then?
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gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I only eat vegetarians.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The pen is writier than the sword.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Who knew!
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.