[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
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My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.