Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
You Might Also Like
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
From Facebook just now…
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions