Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
You Might Also Like
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long