Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Trying
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
broke down and did it
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Y’all know who you are.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo