The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.