Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.