CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help