At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Yup
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.