Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
new year update: losing everything but weight
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Pikachu found the lost joint
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.