Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer