Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
How funny!
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”