The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
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Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
look at me when i’m typing to you
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?