Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
You Might Also Like
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
plant them where lol
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.