The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
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If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime