I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
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Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
called in thicc to work this morning
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
The police never think its as funny as you do.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
multitasking lunch
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.