my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
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This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then