My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
pls suprot
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!