I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
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WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Moms. The original autocorrect.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Buck naked
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks