Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous