(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
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I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers